Blueberry Motherfucking Muffins

Light, airy, and bursting with juicy blueberries in every bite.

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WARNING: This post contains profanity.

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Storytime

Blueberry muffins are a classic breakfast treat that most people enjoy. Now, I say most people because not all muffins are great. I can't stand dry, dense muffins or ones that are improperly portioned. I don't want to eat half of a fucking muffin. Who thought the hell that was a good idea?! Think about it. How often do you think about eating a muffin without seeing one first? Like never, right? Now how many people do you know are like bat shit crazy about muffins? Yeah good luck filling a car with that list... It's just me, but only for this kind of muffin.

What makes a good blueberry muffin? For me, it’s all about the texture and flavor. These fluffy fuckers are soft, moist, and bursting with fresh blueberries. To give them additional texture, they are topped with demerara sugar that caramelizes beautifully in the oven and makes a crunchy surface that perfectly contrasts the cake and blubberies. Literally, I have dreams and daydreams about these muffins. Why are you still reading this drivel?! Fucking make them and thank me later. But like... send me a message or something and like tell me what you think.

Tools

Want to know what equipment I use to make this recipe? Check out the Tools for Blueberry Muffin Makers.

FAQs

I don't have a stand mixer...

That's not a question but I'll go with it. You can use a hand mixer but I definitely don't recommend trying to do this without some sort of mixing device.

Almost everything is in grams, can you convert it to US Standard?

I could, but no. I highly recommend getting a kitchen scale. It's honestly a lot easier to mise en place and scale things. Weighing your ingredients also guarantees the same results every time.

Can you make this into a traditional cake?

Yes, you can! The recipe below only makes 1 9-inch round, so double or triple it as you see fit and pair it with your preferred frosting.

For the cake: I'd recommend using a prepared 9-inch pan (greased and lined with parchment paper) and bake at 375 °F for 30-45 minutes. Check the center with a cake tester for doneness.

I don't like blueberries, so can I swap them for something else?

The fuck did blueberries do to you? I mean if you're allergic, I'm sorry! But if you're not, then try another berry or something. Raspberries and blackberries work well here but I haven't tried strawberries. Let me know how that goes and what you did!

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